Today is my younger sister’s senior prom. I only get to see her about every two weeks, but I spent almost the whole day with her today. She is an example of the person I try to be. She is kind and humble. She is tender hearted. She is the most beautiful person, inside and out. She used to be this tiny little ball of energy running wild in our childhood. Now she’s a grown woman and I couldn’t be more proud of her. She’s clever and funny. She takes everything to heart, so she’s been hurt a lot in life. Tamara is my hero and if I never do anything else in life, I’ve got to make sure she is safe and loved and well taken care of.
We grew up in a very tough environment, and it didn’t ever get her down like it got to me. So I look up to her. And everybody should.
I just don’t know what to say to myself when I look at her. How did the world produce this wonderful human being I am blessed enough to share blood and the bonds of sisterhood with?
I’m going to bang the eyeballs out of Reed this week.
I’m not naked…but I could be.
Instead of sleeping at night, I count the number of times I brushed my teeth. I carefully measure all of my food in my head, god forbid it exceed one pound and three ounces. Two point nine is a bit too much but two point eight looks alright most days. Liquids are funny; if I eat the ice, it’s one solid cup. If I skip on the ice, I get three. Three whole cups is enough for a happy day. Then I have to think, how much did I touch my hair today? How many times did it take me to get it to feel right? You know, that one was never on my list until a woman named Sue pointed it out one day. I had unwittingly put up and taken my hair down over ten times in under a minute and Sue noticed it. She told me, she did. I thought, “Is it that damn obvious?” So now, I go through each time and think of ways to minimize this problem. After the hair, I must catalog the fidgets. Did I move enough to erase the guilt of eating? The answer is no. It’s always no. I count how many times I tapped my toes, how many times I touched finger to finger. I make sure to do everything in multiples of three so that it’s easier to count at night. Then I think really hard about whether I slouched at all or whether I stretched out long enough while sitting and laying. Even when I’ve done all that, I roll over and listen to Reed breathe and I know, every single night, that what I’m up against inside myself will just defeat me again tomorrow.
It is very hard to fall asleep when you feel disappointed in yourself, when you know you should be better and you can’t be. No matter how hard you try, it isn’t going to change anything, it isn’t going to make you better. You’ll be stuck like this for as long as you can stand to be alive and one day, maybe it will just finally be over.
I disagree with the many opinions I have heard on the boss system. In fact, it’s pretty fucking rad. The digital scene against Bob Barbas is both visually stunning and difficult. It doesn’t end as expected, after the second bout of increased speed and intensity, but instead progresses to a third and even more taxing round. The whole fight keeps you on your toes and racing around. As I said in a previous post, the fight scene soundtrack is just awesome and really adds to the overall tension as well as fitting the speed of the battles.
So many people have told me how much they dislike the bosses in this game and after playing it, I just have to disagree. I am a huge fan of the constant movement of all of the fights and the opportunity to use multiple weapons and different styles in the same scene. I also actually enjoy that the backgrounds are busy and keep my eyes all over the place. The color palettes used are beautiful. Anyway, I liked the system at first, but after the Bob Barbas fight, I am way more interested in it.
There are secrets hiding beyond the deep red lipstick I put on before I saw you tonight.
I wore it knowing where it would draw your focus and how it would make every movement of my mouth another hitch in your breath.
I’ll speak slower and softer to you just until you lean in and then I’ll have to lower my eyes and let you have a moment to yourself.
When you are taking in the slope of my jaw and the concave nature of a collarbone you don’t yet know the feel of,
When you are wrestling over morality and politeness and lust and action,
I’ll ask you to kiss me and you’ll know what it means to move mountains again.
I ended the night feeling better. Coming home to Reed, laying beside his sleeping body and watching him be at peace….how could I want anything more?? This man is good to me and I’ll be damned eight ways from Easter if I am not as good to him.
I need to let go of this free spirit feeling…its not good for me. I realize that right now.
I love him so much.
The Last Shift:
In an hour, I will leave for work and I will clock in and it will be my last night at Unit #1245.
It’s going to be a slow one. I’ll probably study for my exam on Tuesday.
I have two cans of Red Bull left to keep me awake.
If that fails, I will eat coffee beans.
When I get off of work in the morning, I have to go through the rest of my things and figure out what to donate and what to keep. Then, I have to finish my theory final and take it to Jordan-Anders’ office and then I have to brush up my monologues. It’s going to be a long day. I can sleep after that though!
I don’t feel like saying goodbye to this place. I feel like…what is it worth at this point to say goodbye to these people? I’m not somewhere that needs me and life is going on as I do.
I just wish that I had been able to spend more time with people that I won’t get to see and visit with anymore. It’s pretty lame.
It’s about the only thing that makes me sad to leave here. I have closure over not coming back for school and things. I just wish I saw more of everyone. I wish I worked less and rested more.
Now I’m going home and I’m freaking out about what has happened to my life. Reed will give me plenty of comfort, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a shit ton of stuff to figure out. I am honestly afraid. I feel like I have failed and how do you fix things once you have failed, anyway? I don’t know.
This is lame. I should get ready for work.